Why You Can’t Fix Your Relationship With a Narcissist or Difficult Family Member
If you’ve been trying to understand a relationship with a narcissist, a difficult family member, or someone whose behaviour repeatedly hurts or confuses you, you’re not alone.
Many people spend years trying to understand why this person acts the way they do:
Is it past trauma? A personality disorder? Stress? Attachment wounds?
It’s natural to hope that if you could just understand the root cause, you might finally fix the relationship.
But here’s the truth that brings both clarity and relief:
Understanding someone’s behaviour does not give you control over it and distracts you from your own inner work.
Narcissistic abuse is uniquely disorienting. Through tactics like gaslighting, manipulation, and emotional invalidation, narcissists distort your sense of self and reality. Over time, you may internalize their harmful messages:
“You’re too sensitive.”
“That never happened.”
“You made me act this way.”
Eventually, blaming yourself can feel easier than facing the painful reality that someone you cared about chose to mistreat you. It’s a survival response—but it’s not where your story has to end.
The Illusion of Control in Narcissistic and Antagonistic Relationships
When you’re in an emotionally difficult or unsafe relationship - whether with a partner, parent, or even an adult child - your nervous system often clings to problem-solving as a survival strategy.
This is especially true in experiences involving:
Narcissistic abuse
Antagonistic or high-conflict relationships
Codependency
Gaslighting or emotional manipulation
You may find yourself believing that if you just:
understand their trauma
say the right thing
stop “triggering” them
communicate better
stay calm
love them through it
…then the relationship will finally become safe.
But this is a painful trap.
You cannot think, love, explain, or troubleshoot your way into changing another person.
Why Understanding Isn’t Enough to Change the Relationship
Even if you know why the person behaves the way they do, the relationship doesn’t automatically improve. In fact, focusing on understanding can create new emotional wounds.
It keeps the focus on them instead of you.
Your needs, feelings, and limits get pushed aside as you try to decode their moods.
It feeds self-blame.
You may begin to feel responsible for their anger, withdrawal, criticism, or emotional volatility.
It delays healing.
As long as your peace depends on their behaviour, you remain powerless and disconnected from your own identity and values.
Understanding is valuable, but it cannot substitute for boundaries, safety, or genuine change.
What You Can Control
You cannot change a narcissist or difficult family member, but you do have control over how you respond. You can:
Set boundaries that protect your emotional and physical well-being
Clear limits are essential when dealing with toxic or unpredictable behaviour.
Recognize gaslighting and manipulation
Instead of doubting your reality, you learn to trust your instincts.
Shift from people-pleasing to self-honouring
Focus on your own healing, not managing someone else’s reactions.
Choose your level of engagement
You do not have to participate in unhealthy dynamics or stay in a constant reactive state.
These steps help you move from helplessness to empowerment.
Moving From “Why Are They Like This?” to “What Do I Need for Myself Now?”
The turning point in healing often happens when you stop trying to fix someone else and start tending to your own needs.
Instead of asking:
“Why are they like this?”
begin asking:
“What do I need to feel safe, grounded, and respected?”
This is where real change begins—not in understanding them, but in reclaiming yourself.
You Don’t Need to Fix Them to Save Yourself
At Blue Onion Counselling, I support individuals healing from narcissistic abuse, toxic family patterns, antagonistic relationships, and codependency. Together, we create space for clarity, safety, and self-reconnection, so you can move forward from a place of strength rather than fear.
If you’re ready to break the cycle - overthinking, over-functioning, and over-giving - schedule your 30-minute complimentary consultation here.
