Domestic Abuse and Coercive Control: What is Happening to Me?
What is Coercive Control?
Coercive control is a form of emotional abuse that develops gradually through patterns of manipulation, isolation, and control. It can leave you feeling confused, anxious, and disconnected from yourself. Over time, this dynamic can impact your mental health and create a sense of instability and uncertainty within the relationship.
There is a form of domestic abuse that can be difficult to recognize, often referred to as coercive control. It doesn’t always involve physical violence, and because it develops gradually, many people don’t realize what is happening until they are already deeply impacted.
Over time, this kind of relational dynamic can affect your mental and emotional wellbeing, leaving you feeling confused, anxious, and disconnected from yourself.
If you’ve found yourself wondering, “What is happening to me?”, you’re not alone.
How Coercive Control Can Begin
In the early stages of a relationship, things may feel intense and deeply connecting.
You might notice:
Your partner paying close attention to you in social situations
A lack of close relationships in their life, alongside criticism of others
A strong focus on you as someone “different” or “special”
The connection may feel powerful and fast-moving. You may feel seen in a way you haven’t before.
This is often referred to as the love-bombing phase.
When Things Start to Shift
Over time, interactions may begin to feel confusing.
You might notice:
Strong emotional reactions to small or unintended comments
Feeling responsible for their emotional state
Beginning to question your own intentions or behaviour
At first, these moments may be occasional. But gradually, they can become more frequent and unpredictable.
You may find yourself trying to explain, justify, or prove who you are in response to their reactions.
This is often part of the devaluation phase.
Becoming the Centre of Their World and Losing Yours
As the relationship continues, your world may begin to narrow.
You might notice:
Increasing criticism of your friends or family
Pulling away from your supports to avoid conflict
Feeling like you’re managing how things appear to others
Experiencing cycles of closeness followed by emotional withdrawal or anger
At times, you may see glimpses of the person you first connected with. These moments can feel reassuring but also make the overall experience more confusing.
This cycle of intensity and inconsistency can create what is often referred to as a trauma bond.
The Impact on Your Mental and Emotional Wellbeing
Living in this kind of environment can take a toll over time.
You may begin to experience:
Anxiety and hyper-vigilance
Depression or emotional exhaustion
Confusion and self-doubt
Shame or self-blame
A sense of feeling trapped or unable to trust your own judgment
You may feel afraid to leave—and also afraid to stay.
At the same time, support from others can feel complicated. You may receive advice on how to leave, when what you need most is to feel understood and supported in your experience.
If this resonates, you may also relate to:
Why Do I Feel Responsible for Other People’s Emotions?
The Benefits of Therapy When Leaving Is Not an Option
Why Leaving Isn’t Always Simple
Leaving a relationship affected by coercive control is often far more complex than it may appear from the outside.
There may be:
Family or cultural considerations
Financial realities
Children or shared responsibilities
Emotional attachment and history
Uncertainty about what comes next
These are real and valid factors. You are not failing because it feels complicated.
You Can Begin Healing Without Leaving Right Away
While leaving may or may not become part of your path, healing does not have to wait.
It is possible to begin:
Reconnecting with your own thoughts and feelings
Understanding what you’ve been experiencing
Strengthening your internal sense of safety
Developing boundaries that support your wellbeing
This is part of learning how to stay connected to yourself, even within a difficult relationship.
You may find this helpful to explore further:
Staying Without Losing Yourself: Boundaries in Complex Relationships
Support That Meets You Where You Are
Working with a counsellor who understands the complexities of coercive control can offer a different kind of support.
A space where:
There is no pressure to leave before you are ready
Your experience is taken seriously
You can begin to make sense of what you’ve been carrying
This work is not about rushing decisions. It’s about rebuilding your connection to yourself.
